A confession.

It is probably easier to express what I wanted to say if I just write it down. I always knew it is bad to keep it inside. So, no matter what, I am going to write this. Please read them.

I am curious why you wanted me to say that I sayang you so much. It may be a normal thing for you to say it but it does not to me. I've written about this. If you've read my blog, then you'll understand.

I didn't mean to hurt you. You must have been devastated when I hung up. Upon reading your sms, I knew I had to tell you this. Sometimes I just think too much and not getting the job done. I know it's bad to think too much. Because it costs me a lot during my chess years. Now I do not want to make the same mistakes again and again.

You've probably been wondering why am I being good to you. The truth is, it took me a while for me to realize that. I admit that I may be slow at picking up hints sometimes. But eventually I will. Believe it or not, you also have been so good to me. In a way that nobody else besides my family has.

You may think it's weird. Unlike most guys, I do not talk to girls unless I have some important things to say, and I will feel uneasy when I'm around girls. That was me, just over a year ago. But I've changed, and slowly adapting. If you knew my style of chess, I do not like to rush things. I am always the kind of guy who is slow and steady (that's the phrase my mother used referring to my eating speed when I was small ) because I like to know what I am doing and not making mistakes.

When I came to India, I promised that I wouldn't let myself to fall for a woman. I have my reasons for that. Not because of my mother, although she was adamant about this. I remembered when she warned me, and I rolled up my eyes. My father chuckled and said, kalau dia dah datang, dia akan datang je.

And he was right. No matter how thick, or how many walls I built around myself, I will eventually fall for someone. And that person is you.

I still remembered that day that you melted me down. Gradually, I begin to like you more each day. I never thought that I would fall to a person who once I believed I will never be friends with in a million light years. That was long time ago, I got irritated with you during the yoga theory class in the first year. That's why I never believed in love at first sight or first impression and all that.

You are most probably freaking out right now. I can never tell for sure if you have some feelings for me, romantic feelings. You've given quite a lot of hints. But I thought they may be accidental, or you may not mean them, or you just wanted to flirt with me. I don't know. You probably have some feelings for me but you do not realize it (believe it or not, sometimes we look like a couple), or you wanted me to take the first move, or I am being paranoid and you have no feelings for me whatsoever. And about when you called one night, and a voice of a girl answered. Why are you mad at me? You must have some feelings for me then.

If you noticed, we suddenly became closer on the day the BBH had a senior-junior party. Since then, we talked almost every night. The first time was over twenty minutes. I thought that was waaay too long as I've never talked to a girl thaaat long. But the second time, we talked for 50 minutes and it felt like the time hasn't moved at all.

I wanted to say that I sayang you. But that word means something more for me. If you say sayang is to care, then I do not just care for any person. To say that word would mean like I love you. I wasn't ready to tell that over the phone. You are also the first girl I confessed to. I don't know how you'll react but I am freaking out. But I do care and love you.

There's still a lot that we need to talk. About the email I sent about you avoiding me, about one thing that I wanted to show you (you probably forgot this one. I said I wanted to show you something as well as asking you two questions). I could go on but I'd stop right now.

If you only thought of me only as a friend, then you may feel betrayed and will hate me. But I don't mind that. I'd rather tell what I feel than continuing becoming ignorant.

You can continue to melt me with your cuteness or if you decide otherwise, then I shall back away.


Best Regards,
Hafiz Shafruddin

[the email was sent on
Sunday, December 28, 2008 3:10 PM]